Everything They Wanted to Know About Gay People (But Were No Longer Afraid To Ask)

Gay people have been around since… well, since there were people, but by the way straight reporters were acting yesterday, you’d have thought we were just invented. Sam and I have been this interesting for years, but they were freshly riveted.

Almost unfailingly, the first question was not “How did you meet,” but, “How long have you been together,” as if we all just got the right to marry and grabbed up some stud on the boulevard to get hitched to as an act of defiant rebellion. Did anyone ask my parents this question, when they were about to tie the knot? They had been together for 10 days – Sam and I had been together almost 40 times longer when we got married (the first time).

It was the 20 minute interview for one of the Spanish-market networks that really took the tostada. It made me realize how little some people know about gay people – STILL. Here are the highlights of what was asked and answered (and what I was thinking):

“So how is your relationship different from normal couples?”

“Well, we are a normal couple, so it’s not different. We just both happen to be men.” (And we have a leather closet.)

Which one of you does the cooking and cleaning and which one does the yard work?

“It’s not like one of us is like a woman and only does cooking and cleaning, and the other is like a man and works around the house. We both do everything.” (Actually, we work on the house and make a huge mess, nearly every week, and we hire a maid to clean because men obviously don’t know how to. Oh yeah, and BTW, she’s legal. Hi Dora!)

“So for people who don’t understand what it’s like to be a homosexual, can you explain what it’s like?”

“Sure. How a man feels about his wife, or a woman feels about her husband, is how we feel about each other.” (Except coupled gay men and women often start to look like twins, and the men take showers before sex.)

“Now that you’re legally married do you feel like you don’t have to be hidden anymore?”

“Hidden? We aren’t hidden.” (Girl, we haven’t been hidden for years.)

“When you went on your honeymoon, were you nervous? Was it romantic? (Giddily.) Normal couples are nervous. Were you nervous?”

“We went to Barcelona and Ibiza, and we had a great time. (¡Hoder!) It was fun and romantic. We weren’t nervous” (We weren’t exactly virgins. We might have seemed nervous when we were dancing in the cage at that gay, Ibizan dive bar wearing nothing but combat boots. But that was excitement, not nervousness.)

“So what happened?”

“I’m not going to tell you. This isn’t a telenovela.” (But if you must know, yes, we both took turns ‘being the girl’ over the course of the week.)

“A lot of Latinos may see same sex marriage as another path to naturalization, even if they’re straight, marrying another man or woman to gain citizenship. What do you think of that?”

“Well, that’s not a marriage issue. That’s an integrity issue, and a chance they take.” (And if a guy is willing to play gay to flee Mexico buey, there’s a pretty good chance he’s going to get screwed, one way or another.)

We said our goodbyes, and headed for Santa Monica Blvd., to grab a bite (and consummate in the alley behind RAGE). I’m only sorry that we might never see that Spanish interview. I’d love to see how poorly I conjugated in the subjunctive.

8 Responses to “Everything They Wanted to Know About Gay People (But Were No Longer Afraid To Ask)”

  1. Wednesday, June 18, 2008 at 2:40 pm

    “There is no normal. There’s only you and me. So, if I’m not normal and you’re not normal and they’re not normal—why in the blue blazes do we all spend so much time pretending we are?” -Willie Nelson

    Oh, and the little romp behind RAGE was HOT. 🙂

  2. Wednesday, June 18, 2008 at 7:21 pm

    Hubba Hubba… I am hoping for home videos of the cage in Ibiza.

  3. Wednesday, June 18, 2008 at 7:47 pm

    LOL… you guys must be a hoot (i can say hoot, I am from the South)… congrats again…

  4. Wednesday, June 18, 2008 at 9:10 pm

    Okay, so I was kidding about the cage. (Not really.)

  5. Friday, June 20, 2008 at 11:05 am

    lol – “(and consummate in the alley behind RAGE)” — that’s one of the many reasons I love y’all, you’re as pervy as me. hehe.

  6. 6 Conny
    Friday, June 20, 2008 at 11:34 am

    What did RAGE used to be? Not sure, but think that I may have consumated something there myself…25 years ago.

  7. 8 Brenda
    Monday, June 23, 2008 at 7:58 pm

    Personally, I’d have asked you all about the alleyway behind Rage. *g*

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