Tops (or Just Plain Guys) Aren’t Always Ready

whathappened.jpgno matter what we’d like (you) to believe, we aren’t always ready to go.

There can be a lot of pressure when you’re raising your lance to joust, and you can be faced with an army of factors that seeks your defeat.First and foremost is the enemy within, a.k.a. stage fright. Mental pressure is compounded by expectations: a storied reputation to live up to, what you’ve bragged about or promised/threatened to do, level of acquaintance with the bottom, a prolonged ‘courtship’, or even whether or not he (or she) (and you) really look like the pictures you swapped.In the sack, like in the rest of life, expectations can set you up to fail, or at least to pale in comparison to what was expected, so be modest, under-promise and over-deliver.Then there are the physical factors: rest, hydration, testosterone levels, stress, alcohol, age, non-prescription drugs, prescription drugs including anti-depressants and even Propecia. All of these things can turn Jr. into a slack ass, but it’s not his fault. It’s not anyone’s fault, in fact. Fault creates pressure. Pressure creates flaccidity.Versatility is very effective in leveling the field. There are times when, for whatever reason, even the staunchest of tops feels like getting plowed, and when a power bottom adeptly turns the tables. Don’t judge yourself, or the other guy. Labels are for cans of soup, not people.”Sworn exclusive tops” may grumble, “I never bottom.” Bullshit. The next time someone says they don’t like sushi, ask them if they’ve even tried it; 9 times out of 10, they haven’t. If you’ve never bottomed then you don’t know what you’re talking about. The only guys I’ve ever known who have bottomed and didn’t like it had intimacy issues, role prejudices, OCD scatological hangups, or they just hadn’t found the right chemistry with the right guy.So what’s a guy to do when he can’t get it up? If you’re just not into it, don’t lie. Don’t say, “It’s not you, it’s me,” if you don’t really mean it. Lying won’t help your situation. It might take some courage, but a kind “I’m just not into it,” will not only be a dose of refreshing honesty, but it frees you both up to go your separate ways in search of adventure, or sleep.If you ARE into him, and not responding, consider what you’re on. “Whiskey Dick” is a real phenomenon. Even prescription drugs can kill your wood. Coke numbs your brain; it’ll numb your cock too, especially if you get any on it. Meth can make erections unpredictable and orgasms nearly impossible, on top of how it seems to turn almost any drill sergeant into a foxhole, hungry for soldiers. Ditto GHB. Not even Levitra, Cialis, and Viagra are guaranteed antidotes. They don’t work all the time, or for everyone.Beyond that, remember that sexual urges originate in your brain. Listen to your body and brain as they tell you how to feel good. Sometimes, guys who set out to with one experience in mind find that it’s not enough or the right kind of stimulation, end the evening with a more reciprocal or versatile experience. Or maybe it just isn’t a matter of penetration that time.Distract yourself with porn, and the right kind. There are times when clinically lit, full-penetration, vanilla Tim Hamilton porn isn’t working for Sam and me, but the dimly lit, less penetrating, Gladiators flick is spot-on. And sometimes, vice-versa. Sometimes it can be like stumbling through a dark room, trying to find what works, and that’s when open-mindedness and a detachment from roles and expectations is most valuable. Surprise yourself, and teach an old cock new tricks.What works best for Sam and me is to stop thinking about Jr., and kiss. Cuddle. Talk. Make it intimate, pleasurable, relaxing, sensual. This is a good way to exercise your ‘being’. Just be present. I realize that this might not work as well with tricks or strangers, but people often think they want sex when what they really crave is intimacy. If so, the kissing and cuddling could be the unexpected answer. If the kissing is working for you, but he’s still just into being railed, chalk it up to a lack of chemistry and get dressed. He’ll get his itch scratched somewhere, and you won’t feel like an inanimate object.

If you’ve been miseducated about sex, or have busted a sex myth, help a brother out and tell us about it below or at lovesickbilly@mac.com.

1 Response to “Tops (or Just Plain Guys) Aren’t Always Ready”

  1. Wednesday, February 27, 2008 at 8:45 pm

    Several years ago, I met this guy. I was head over heels in love but I had performance anxiety due to my years in the XXX video world. For the first several months of our relationship, I’d split Cialis into fours and pop one every time I knew he would be coming over. The anxiety of not worrying about whether or not I could “get it up” enabled me to relax, and assuaged any fears he had that I “wasn’t into him.” I told this story to Bronson about 18 months into our relationship, mentioning casually that it was about HIM. I think we both had a good laugh.

    Nowadays, Cialis has only a guest role in our sex lives (cock rings seem to do just fine). And he’s absolutely right about that Gladiator flick. It will make you want to run out and buy some fake blood for the man you love.

    Relax, people…I said fake.

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