Getting Screwed Buying Lube

gunoil32oz_l.gifSam and I are huge fans of Gun Oil personal lubricants, not only for their intended use, but also for our hair. We’d bought one of those hair silk products that promises smoothness and shine, and while using it, Sam said, “Hey, this feels just like lube.”

I think we were in San Francisco for Folsom when we ran out of the hair stuff but had plenty of lube on hand (snicker)… so into the hair it went, and worked beautifully: silky, shiny, and really handy if the mood spontaneously took us. We compared the ingredients and they were more or less identical: Cyclomethicone, Dimethicone, Aloe Vera, and Vitamin E.


Then we wondered which of the two was more expensive by the ounce, the hair stuff or the other stuff, to inform our buying decisions, and here’s the result.I’ve thrown in a couple apt comparisons to put the whole thing into perspective. Cue Kai Ryssdal and “We’re In The Money”, and let’s do the numbers:

Smooth ‘N ShineHair Polisher 4 fl. oz. $6.39 $1.59 per ounce
Gun Oil Silicone Lubricant 8 oz. $19.99 $2.50 per ounce
Pure dimethicone and cyclomethicone formula, bought online 8 oz. $11.95 $1.49 per ounce
Unleaded Regular Gasoline in Los Angeles Gallon (128 oz.) $3.25 $0.03 per ounce
Dom Perignon 1.5L (51 oz.) $109 $2.13 per ounce

Okay, so maybe our forthcoming interview on Queercents.com’s 10 Money Questions has got us thinking about economy, but the way this looks, if we don’t want to go to the trouble of ordering bulk raw lube online, we should be using hair polisher for lube instead, enjoying the same slipperiness plus a savings of almost $1 per ounce.

So we could buy the ingredients of Gun Oil for around $1.75 an ounce, when buying in an 8-16 ounce quantity. Imagine how cheaply Gun Oil’s makers, Empowered Products, get the stuff. Yeah, marketing, packaging, convenience, I know. I get it. (Note: if anyone from Empowered Products is reading this, we love you… and a little texture on that bottle would be a big help. Try some Gun Oil on your hands and then try to handle the smooth bottle, then try it horizontal, then pass it to your bud and let him try, and you’ll understand.) It does beg the question, “Why is this stuff so expensive?” We’re open to answers from Empowered, and suggestions from you, the readers.cocoabutter.jpg

Our friend Sven, a geneticist and hands down the smartest dude we know, swears by all natural cocoa butter, and after a little research, it looks like a fetching alternative.

100% cocoa butter is an edible natural vegetable fat of the cacao bean. Cocoa butter is extracted from the cacao beans and can be used to make chocolate, cocoa powder, pharmaceuticals, ointments, and toiletries. Cocoa butter has a mild chocolate flavor and aroma. Not bad. It stores as a solid at room temperature and liquefies at body temperature, plus it contains natural antioxidants so it resists rancidity and has a shelf life of as long as five years.

Note: “Bear in mind that cocoa butter is butter so it’s not condom safe.” – Sven

So use it for the manual labor and the foot rubs.

To revisit our table from above:

Pure Cocoa Butter 1 lb. (16 oz.) 8.99 $.56 per ounce

Okay, so not only does it have all those things to recommend it, but it’s also a fraction of the cost of the lube OR the hair stuff, so we’ll give cocoa butter a try. Just think of how chocolatey smelling and nicely moisturized we’ll be. Mmmmm. Stay tuned.

9 Responses to “Getting Screwed Buying Lube”

  1. Tuesday, February 19, 2008 at 11:43 pm

    OMG I can’t believe people now know we use lube as hair product? Wait, that was in the PAST. Yes, yes, the PAST. πŸ™‚

  2. 2 Balma
    Wednesday, February 20, 2008 at 1:13 pm

    TMI? I can’t say, I’m still in shock. In your HAIR? I…I…I will never be able to look at either of you without grinning.

    BTW, I bought a friend the large bottle of Gun Oil for Christmas. It cost $80. I thought, holy crap, the lube industry really has us by the balls…so to speak.

  3. 4 Damon
    Wednesday, February 20, 2008 at 5:13 pm

    Spit is the only lube I use.

  4. Wednesday, February 20, 2008 at 6:36 pm

    Definitely brings new meaning to “getting some head.” HAR! HAR! Thanks, I’ll be here all week!

  5. 6 Conny
    Wednesday, February 20, 2008 at 7:44 pm

    Goes to show that there IS something about Mary!

  6. Friday, February 22, 2008 at 8:27 am

    that’s amazing. I wondered why my pubes always had shine and body… πŸ˜‰

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