How Smart Men Have Sex

  • wrists4.jpgTurn your cell phone off. No matter how much you love them, a call from your parent or ex will distract you.
  • Light candles, but keep them away from the video head cleaner.
  • With a stranger, get the STD/Status question out of the way. Be straightforward, matter of fact, and honest. Even a ‘hey, I don’t really know’ beats silence, and everyone deserves to know what everyone’s getting themselves into.
  • If you like music playing, set up an appropriate playlist long enough to outrun the fun, without obviously repeating. If you’re really, really good, your playlist will have an arc. Sam has elevated this to an art form. Balance the sound with the sound from the porn.
  • Lube. If you like lube and you’re having fun, you’ll be pouring it on like you’re in a ranch dressing commercial, and 16 fluid ounces goes quick.
  • If you’re into watching porn (or Harry Potter) while you’re playing, put the remote(s) in a ziploc bag. This way, they’ll be easier to find, and not slippery.
  • Have an old bedspread folded up and stowed just under the foot of the bed, ready to throw over the bed when the urge hits. Try to choose a darkly colored one that’s not unattractive (just in case there’s any photography goin’ on). It’s better if it doesn’t have any specific history attached to it: quilted by Grandma, regularly used by you and your ex, bought by an old sugar daddy, having carried your dear, dying cat to the vet in it, etc. These are things you don’t want to be thinking of when it counts.
  • Moving blankets are great and add a little proletarian grit to the moment, but they’re not always the most comfortable… unless you’re actually in the back of a U-Haul at the time, and don’t have a choice.
  • If you don’t have an appropriate old bedspread, you could make-do with an old fitted sheet. Higher thread counts are better for comfort (duh) but in this case, because it makes a heavier sheet, which doesn’t let lube soak through as much.
  • Clean up the back yard.
  • Unless you KNOW he likes it verbal, go with a little less conversation and a little more action, or risk a ball gag. If he likes it verbal, do your best to deliver something more signature and from-the-gut than standard porn dialogue, for Chi Chi‘s sake.
  • On that note, if you’re sporting a cock that looks more like a pinky finger, don’t worry; brush up on your technique and your confidence, but drop the dirty talk. If you try to talk like a guy who looks like he bought his cock by the pound, you’re gonna get laughed at.
  • Get the camera set up early on: empty card, battery charged, night vision setting, check the lighting, tripod if necessary, whatever. Nothing is worse than technical difficulties when you want to capture that special moment.
  • If you like to party, get your favors in order BEFORE the play, not in the middle of it, unless your supplier is hot and you plan on adding him to the fun, which is unlikely – they generally prefer cash.
  • Cialis and the rest of the boner pills don’t mix with video head cleaner… seriously. Ditto most inhalants and GHB. It’s really, really, really not pretty, and could be deadly.
  • That tall, narrow, back-of-door mirror at Target: under $10.
  • The ease with which it stores under the bed: considerable.
  • The perspectives it can give you during sex: priceless.
  • Don’t make big decisions when you’re high. Make them beforehand with a clear head, agree to stick to them, and then feel good about following through with them once your “pizza is delivered”. Being wild is super hot when you’re peaking, but it’s no time to renegotiate your choices. Nothing is worse than regret in the cold, hard light of morning-after sobriety.
  • Post-coital bliss comes to a screeching halt if there’s nothing in the fridge to refresh yourselves with, snack on, or feed each other. This also goes for intermissions.
  • Hydrate.
  • During intermissions, or in the afterglow, treat yourself and your partner to juicy, sensual, bite-sized pieces of watermelon (in season) sprinkled lightly with Splenda and chilled in the fridge.
  • If you are solo and choosing a trick or two, be absolutely honest with yourself. They MUST be attractive to you. I don’t care how good n’ plenty the drugs they have are, or how hot the ‘other one’ is, you’re going to neglect the less fortunate one, they’ll know it, and it will suck.
  • If you get going and realize there’s really no chemistry after all, call it off gently. If that doesn’t work, refer to and apply the “faking out parents” directions in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is trade that doesn’t get the hint that it’s not working. Whatever you do, don’t tough it out. You deserve better.
  • If you think you’re going to get the urge to “clean the heads on your VCR”, twist up some cotton from a cotton ball, enough to fill the opening of the bottle fully but loosely. A spill not only burns the skin, but spoils the moment.
  • With husbands, partners, boyfriends, or FBs, listen to the fantasies they express, and if you can’t make it happen then and there, file it away for another time. A resourceful lover who keeps it fresh and makes your fantasies come true is worth his weight in gold, or lube, which is just about as expensive.
  • No matter who it is, from stranger to husband, if you’ve had a particularly freakin’ good time, let it show and speak up. Remember the first time you heard that broadly-smiling stud say, “Wow, that was great… thanks!” and how great it felt to hear it? It will be appreciated. Pay it back. Pay it forward.
  • Turn your cell phone back on, your Mom has probably called, (and go get your wallet out of the freezer).

Thanks to the readers who answered my email and submitted (most of) these helpful hints. It’s an ongoing project here at LovesickBilly.

Don’t be shy. Add yours below.

4 Responses to “How Smart Men Have Sex”

  1. 1 Anonymous
    Tuesday, February 5, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    Make sure you walk all the way around Circus of Books before you pick out “the one”.

    Make sure there are no video cameras in the alley.

    Be considerate – pick an alley that does not reek of piss.

  2. Tuesday, February 5, 2008 at 6:48 pm

    An insightful list. I might want to borrow it for PLL. 😛

  3. 3 Felix
    Tuesday, February 5, 2008 at 9:34 pm

    it is very interesting haha

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