The Presidential Candidates from Central Casting

Reading in bedWe like our Presidents to look like they came from central casting. Mitt Romney looks like every filmic President you’ve ever seen. Five years of White House stress and anxiety will put a Charlie Sheen weariness on his face like nothing else, and don’t you think he’s not counting on that. We also like them to be aging jocks, hunky daddies even, still married to aging, MILFy cheerleaders, both still fit enough for us to be able to squint and revisit their beauty, if only for a moment. We particularly love the big, seemingly cloned family, which somehow reassures us that there will always be lots of American varsity wet dream goo in our gene pool.

On that note, Bill Clinton has the hunky daddy thing down cold, and if that plainly phallic nose isn’t enough to set one speculating on size, one need only recall the sticky blue dress to be reminded of the Clinton virility. So far, those of us firmly in the Daddy Clinton camp have longed for those days so much that we transferred our lust onto the slightly dowdy, PE teacheresque Hillary. Sam and I really came to this realization this past weekend, when she got her ass handed to her by Obama. But no matter, because Mrs. Rodham is smart, good at volleyball, and no matter how quirky the ol’ gal was, we know that we owe a portion of our present health to something she instilled in us long ago when we were young and impressionable. That buys a lot of forgiveness and loyalty to the brand. Whether you like her politics or not, it’s hard not to think of Hillary as Madame President; regardless of your affiliation, you can imagine it, and Hillary relies upon this. She’s put a lot of time into that sense of inevitability that we need a woman at the helm, and it’s going to be her. Plus, it’s just good storytelling, right out of The Hero’s Journey. America, well-conditioned by tidy film story, loves closure and full-circularity – even Republicans who would revel in and be reinvigorated by the perfect ‘tragedy’ another Clinton Presidency would mean for the Reds.

So this weekend has been very interesting for Sam and me. It seems (some) Americans really do want change, and therefore a smidgeon of my faith has been restored in America and the people who call it home. It’s a bittersweet restoration. I would love to feel the true, guiltless pride and security of being American that I felt during the Clinton era. A President who balances the budget and brings that much good to the country deserves fellatio, by an army of interns if need be. It’s a small price to pay. We were working, happy, well-liked abroad, and there wasn’t any talk of a ‘crumbling’ American empire. I’ll take that over three-figure barrels, well-placed international paranoia, and our GIs coming home without limbs or a pulse any day of the week. But those days are gone, and I’ve said I don’t want any ‘more of the same’. I gotta own that now, and realize that ‘more of the same’ comes in blue as well as red.

2 Responses to “The Presidential Candidates from Central Casting”

  1. 1 Jonathan
    Tuesday, January 8, 2008 at 11:42 am

    It’s sad that once again I find myself pouring over the candidates records and trying desperately to find the lesser evil.

    Like you, I look back on the Clinton era with some fondness, but I still can’t resolve my respect for President Clinton with my anger at him for “Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell” and DOMA. Face it—the person that we considered a strong ally was responsible for some fairly dreadful legislation.

    But that’s the past. Who is out there now? It is amazing to me that none of the current Democratic front runners is willing to come out in favor of gay marriage. Do they truly feel that a huge segment of the American people are undeserving of equal rights, or are they bowing to pressure to appease the mainstream, and thereby increase their odds of getting elected? If it’s the former, I pity their narrow-mindedness, and if it is the latter, I am disgusted by their lack of courage and, more importantly, their lack of decency.

    No need to even bother discussing the Republicans on this matter. They lost me a long time ago.

    Sadly, the Dems have me, and they know it. They realize that voting for a Republican candidate is simply not an option for me, or anybody else in the GLBT community, or anybody who gives a damn about human rights and basic decency. So I’ll end up voting for whichever candidate they put up, but I can’t stop thinking that we deserve a whole lot better than this.

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