I know a guy – I’ll call him Ted (and that’s not him in the picture) – who only dates butch, oral, total gym rat bottoms one would find in a Tom of Finland drawing. Oh, and they should be naturally smooth. And wealthy. And from the Midwest would be good. And under 40, but over 30. I’ve got news: that guy’s busy.
In spite of the fact that Sam and I know a lot of single guys, I’ve never been good at matching them up. I have pointed Ted in the direction of a few quality guys, and the reply has been, “not big enough, not muscular, not butch enough, too old.” and this is from a guy who doesn’t even fit all of his own criteria.
Another friend of ours – I’ll call him Jimmy (and that’s not him in the picture either) – is a big fella (6’3″, 230), who until recently would only date men bigger than he, which meant that they were enormous. One guy was shorter, but he made up for the slight height deficit with a big surplus of sheer muscle mass. Luckily, Jimmy’s pitcher/catcher requirements are not as stringent as Ted’s.
Recently, Jimmy ventured outside his type. He became involved with a guy whom he had overlooked because, well because he can look over him. The guy is six or eight inches shorter than Jimmy, and that was a disqualifier. However, he broke through his hangup on type and found love.
Get in the ballpark.
Add an ‘ish’ to some of your parameters and see what is workable. It’s like casting. When a casting director says he wants Jake Gyllenhaal, but can’t have him, everyone he sees in the audition is being compared to Jake, and falling short. Maybe Jake-ishness would do? Maybe he’s Jake with brown eyes? Maybe he has Jake’s lankiness or devilish grin, but isn’t a dead-ringer? If it’s the grin that gets you, look for the grin, and be open to finding it on someone who isn’t Jake. When it comes to finding a guy, stiffness is good; rigidity isn’t.
Qualities over quantities.
If you are just looking to get your eggs poached for the evening, pick out something hot and ign’ant, but don’t expect hearts and flowers. If you say you’re looking for a recurring romantic character in your life, but keep having brief guest appearances, it may be time to re-read or re-write your script. If you know you’re looking for a relationship, choose qualities over quantities: reliability, humor, and honesty over inches of bicep, height and cock; body fat percentage, and thickness of hair on his head or back. Nobody’s perfect – not even you – and there’s always waxing and Propecia.
Some of us need polishing.
- or we have just forgotten how to shine. When Sam and I got together, I hadn’t really been in the gym in weeks – okay months – and I was weak and underweight. Sam, a fitness coach, knew he could help me out in that department and that I wouldn’t mind. It’s the mental stuff, like emotional availability, integrity, lightheartedness, or ambition that’s hard to polish. Plus it’s not your job; guys have to be willing and able to do that for themselves.
Imagine being the awkwardly tall guy, or the redhead out in the dating world. You know that you have a lot to offer, but you also know that you’re playing to a niche market. You know that a lot of guys will automatically disqualify you, for no good reason. Saying you don’t like redheads or Asians is like saying you don’t like beets or sushi, when you haven’t even tried ‘em. When I was single, I could have done better with this. I dated one really hot redhead, but I could have given Asian and Latino guys more of a shot.
Change it up.
If you met your last three bossy top boyfriends at The Eagle, and they worked out horribly, it might be time to reexamine what you’re after, and see if you can’t find it in different packaging and in another store. Still waters can run deep too, you know. He might not wear all of his kinks on his Brooks Brothers sleeve, or, you might introduce him to a world he loves, but never knew existed.
Boil it down.
Figure out what it is about your type that works for you. Do you like Daddies because they’re assertive? Asians because they’re boyish? I like lumpy guys, and the shorter ones were always more muscular, so I gravitated in that direction. I’d have gone for the tall muscular guys, but they were scarce and in high demand, especially in Ft. Lauderdale, where drinking is the commonest form of exercise, and I figured in L.A., forget it. Adonis doesn’t usually like commitment. Sam proved me wrong on that.
Most importantly, remember that he’s out there.
If you’re a good guy, and you’re ‘out there’, then he is too, and he’s looking for you. He just might not be exactly who you were expecting.
So who’s in the picture? That’s Brett Sky. He’s on Facebook.